all i need

“Being retarded is not an accent.”

Every single one of us, the devil inside.

I think I am finally beginning to understand why my mom has been out of relationships for so long and somewhat fine with it, and because I am almost exactly like her, it terrifies me. The thing is, I think it took my mom a lot longer to realize it, because I got smarter at a much younger age, thanks to her.

I think my mom realized that being the person she is, so difficult and opinionated, life was actually easier to just live without the sex, relying on friendships and her kids.

Honestly, I don’t know. I think I need to actually try and have a heart to heart with my mom. I need to ask her if she’s really okay with how her life is. Somehow I doubt it. Somehow I don’t think a person can ever be resigned to being alone.

But I can’t do the relationship thing. I know what it is now. It isn’t personal, towards any guy… But anyone who comes to try, I beat down, and sabotage. It’s as if I am actually trying to get dumped.

And I think I am. I don’t know what to feel about that. I have no way of knowing if it continues to be the case until I am in the relationship. But yes, it seems, ultimately, I am happier flying solo.

So I’ll ride this ‘til it peters out, which likely won’t be too long from now.

I said I was going to sleep all weekend,

and I nearly did. I locked in 41 hours from Friday night until now! Fuck my life if I’m tired today.

Like little white doves, little white doves

I woke up this morning and my very first thought was “Has Jonathan texted me?” Obviously I DO care about this… He sent me one last night to say goodnight, but it wasn’t his usual goodnight. It seemed cold and full of obligation.

It is possible, since I don’t know him well enough yet to say, that one thing I said, that he took wrong, could have fucked this whole thing. If he acts all weird and jerky on Monday then I’ll know he’s still not over it, and how long do I want to put up with an angry boyfriend I’m not overly invested in yet?

Also, stop being a cry baby and talk to me properly. I didn’t do anything wrong and by now you must have realized that. So just let it go will ya? I have very little patience for mumbo jumbo. I was enjoying my virtually stress-free single life thank you very much.

I could enjoy you too, if you’ll just let me.

So this stuff you gave me is pretty great. It really chills a person out. I can’t become addicted though so I have to be careful. But boy is it fun for now.

What type of person are you really? It’s so hard to say. And this usually isn’t difficult.for me. I don’t know which side of you is the real one, or if there’s something I’m so far missing all together. I don’t know.

But I read about what this stuff does to you. And frankly I’m glad I have it for this weekend. Maybe I should try to write something on it. It might turn out really fucked. “Slows the communication of nerves in the brain”… Interesting…

Oh, and sex.

What makes me feel better in times of anger, stress, sadness, or other forms of shittiness?

Pot
Cigarettes
McDonalds
Movies
David
My dad
Sleep
Walking
Music
Pot
Cigarettes
McDonalds
David.